Thursday, February 16, 2006

The "Season" for Victory!

Anti-war military haters keep saying that we should bring Our Troops home so they don't get shot and blown up anymore in the name of stabilizing Mosul. So dumb! Everyone knows you support Our Troops by sustaining long wars far from home against people who never actually attacked us!

More important, though, is a serious lesson that our vice-president thought to teach us this week. Remember: When Our Troops are hit by bullets in Iraq or Afghanistan, they haven't actually been "shot." Now we know the right terms: They've been "peppered" or "sprayed." Who could object to that?

So today, keep a close eye on your local newspaper. If they maliciously claim that an American soldier has been "shot" overseas, set the record straight! Let them know that our troops are only getting "sprayed" and "peppered," and that you won't tolerate this kind of factual error anymore!

So pile on the pepper and the spray! Do it for Our Troops!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Chicken, Hawks?

Tonight's direct action for freedom: Twelve pieces of tender and juicy freedom! Quickly! Before it's too late!


Do it for America! Do it for the little fried chickens, so they don't fall under the iron fist of Islamoterrorfascism! And, as always, do it for Our Troops!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Get "Hot" for Victory!

I was thinking today that the "Support Our Troops" culture is a lot like a Pop-Tart: We're pasty and doughy, with not much inside -- but get us hot, baby, and we can be mighty hard to handle! Rile us up, and we'll slap another yellow ribbon bumpersticker on our cars so fast it'll make your head spin! Whatever book Victor Davis Hanson types this week -- we're buying it! Bam! In your FACE, terrorists!

So what better way to show Osama that we mean business than to eat some Pop-Tarts today, fresh from the toaster!

How you like America NOW, Islamoterrorfascists?!?!?!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Start Your Own "Sleeper" Cell!

The terrorists want to exhaust America: Exhaust our will, exhaust our patience, and exhaust our willingness to take casualties. Well, we won't be exhausted! We will always stand ready to take more military casualties, because we support Our Troops, and that's why we have bumper stickers on our cars!

So today, to show the Islamoterrorevildoerfascists that America means business and won't allow ourselves to become exhausted, take a long nap whenever you want! Do it for Our Troops! Show by being well rested that you're one hundred percent behind having them take more casualties!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Prove You're "Yellow" in the War on Terror!

Being good Americans, we all have yellow ribbon stickers on our cars to support Our Troops. But is that really good enough? Think about it: If yellow stickers on your car show that you support Our Troops and want the Islamoterrorfascists to lose...just think what more yellow stickers would do!

Here's today's direct action against the suicide bombers and IED makers who are killing Our Troops: Add extra yellow ribbon stickers to new places besides your car! Have one on your fridge, yet? No? Well, then, GET WITH IT!

We can't afford to let the terrorists destroy Western Civilization! Make the yellow sticker sacrifice today!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Would You "Love" to Beat the Terrorists?

Michelle Malkin astutely notes that the Islamoterrorfascists are against Valentine's Day, as if Saint Valentine had anything to do with religion! Well, that's nonsense, and we have to STAND UP for Valentine's!

So for the next few days, be sure to have lots of sexual intercourse, and drink champagne, and eat good chocolate, and sleep in late on your best sheets. That will show Osama where you stand -- or where you "lay," lol!

Do it for Our Troops!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Tell the Terrorists to "Watch It"!

Nicely demonstrating the sophistication of his insight into global culture and politics, Bill Bennett recently asked a very important question over at the National Review blog, "The Corner":
Has anyone seen, does anyone know of, a movie depicting the war we are in now, the fight against the barbarians? We've had movies about the first Gulf war, and a morally ambiguous fiction about something or somewhere called Syriana--but anything about our over-four- year- old fight for civilization against the Islamist barbarians, based on fact? Anything? Anyone?
Great question! And of course the answer is no, because the Hollywood people are un-American and want Libertyrary Tower and all of Los Angeles to be blown up by barbarian thugs! This absence of anti-Islamobarbarianterrorfascist movies is a very serious absence from our degenerate American culture that is superior and must be saved from the Muslims, especially since watching movies is exactly the kind of sacrifice that the pro-war neoconservative right is willing to make in the War on Terror.

So I say, stop waiting for Hollyweird to get with it! Go rent some movies tonight, and pretend that the bad guys are Islamoterrorbarbarianfascists! Like today, I watched Wedding Crashers, and I pretended that the smug guy who is Rachel McAdams's boyfriend is Osama. And I was all cheering for the man with the funny nose to get the girl from him, like, "Get him, Our Troops!," except that Our Troops in the movie were the wedding crasher guys. You see what I mean. You could also rent that old movie that I think was called Basic Instinct, and pretend that Sharon Stone's vagina is democracy, so that the Arabs/Muslims (the detectives) are just beginning to see what liberty is like -- and they're pretty excited!

So get to it, if you want to beat the terrorists! Rent some movies tonight, and grab some ice cream, and settle in on the couch! And remember: Don't do it for yourself. Do it for Our Troops! We're not going to win this thing if we aren't willing to make some SACRIFICES!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Show That You Give a "Schmidt"!

John Murtha did a pretty good job of hiding his true colors. He served in the Marine Corps for thirty-seven years or something, and supposedly fought in Vietnam and whatever. (Yawn!) Then he got into Congress, where he apparently kept pretending to be very pro-military.

But then the truth came out! Rep. Murtha said that the war in Iraq was not going well, which shows that all along he was just faking it by wearing a Marine Corps uniform for several decades and going into combat. John Murtha hates Our Troops!

Fortunately, another member of the House of Respresentatives who supports Our Troops, Jean Schmidt, saw that John Murtha was anti-military, and she said so. Even better, she came right out and said that Murtha was a COWARD! Another group even came along and showed that Murtha wasn't even wounded that badly back in Vietnam -- he just had some minor gunshot wounds or something, apparently a couple of times. (Some other guy named James Webb got really mad about that, in typical America-hating fashion, and said that Murtha had really deserved his Purple Hearts. Whatever! I mean, what would this Webb guy know about Vietnam and the military? People should mind their own business.)

Anyway, Jean Schmidt is a great role model for us as we try to figure out lots of ways to support Our Troops and defeat the terrorists from our living rooms! So here is today's pro-military, pro-America symbolic action: Seek out a military veteran who has expressed doubts about the way the war in Iraq is going, and try to ruin his career by smearing him and demeaning his service! This will prove that you support Our Troops just as much as Jean Schmidt does!

Are you watching, Osama? Because we're still here, and we're not backing down! We'll settle for nothing less than VICTORY, no matter how many times we have to ink our fingers and post things on our websites or smear a combat veteran! We're doing it for Our Troops!


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Score a "Touchdown" on Team Terror!

The Super Bowl was not so super, this year! As Michelle Malkin notes with her usual quality of insight, there were very few references to Our Troops during the game, which is un-American. When very large men get paid to run around with a little ball and score points in a game, that is the perfect time to discuss the sacrifices Our Troops are making in the War on Islamoterrorfascism.

Like Specialist Bryan Anderson, a soldier injured by an improvised explosive device in Iraq, who is the fourth triple-amputee to be treated at Walter Reed Army Hospital since the war began in Iraq. Shouldn't ABC have thrown his story into the game? Like, "Bryan Anderson had both legs and an arm blown off, making him the fourth triple amputee treated at Walter Reed since the war in Iraq began -- let's bring out the cheerleaders!" That would be very patriotic and inspiring, and would help people to support the war!

So here's what we can do. Whenever you watch professional sports games on television, monitor the broadcasters to make sure they pay tribute to Our Troops. If they don't, then do it yourself! Add references to Our Troops to every sports game!

Say you're watching televison, and the announcer says, "That's a touchdown!" What you would do is you would real quickly add in, "For Our Troops!" So that the whole play-by-play now says, "That's a touchdown for Our Troops!"

This way we will support Our Troops as they lose arms and legs and get spinal injuries and brain damage and are disfigured by shrapnel ripping apart their faces. You can do it for golf and baseball, too!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

"Corner" the Terrorists with Cheese!

Jonah Goldberg knows the Islamoterrorfascists want to destroy Western Civilization and bring back the iron rule of the global caliphate, and he's not going to put up with it! Jonah is shoving fear and cowardice aside and STANDING UP to the evildoers in a way that perfectly illustrates the kind of sacrifices the neoconservative right is willing to make for our freedom:
Last night the missus and I deliberately bought some imported havarti rather than the planned cheddar.
Huzzah! It takes manly strength and fortitude to purchase European cheese! And make no mistake, this wasn't some mere accident -- Jonah deliberately bought Havarti! Jonah says for us to put Havarti on our nachos for when we watch football!

You see that, Osama? We are not afraid, and we will pay any price to destroy you, no matter how much cheese we have to eat! Today it's nachos; tomorrow it will be a tasty roast beef and cheese sandwich. (Or a HAM and cheese sandwich, Osama, take that! In your face, bam!) The day after that we may have a cheese plate with some crackers, and maybe the day after that a nice grilled cheese or even a tuna melt. But one thing is sure: WE WILL NOT FALTER! WE WILL NOT FAIL! WE ARE ALL CHEESE-EATERS NOW!!!

So today, to support Our Troops and stick it to Osama and the Islamodevilterrorevilfascists, everyone should eat plenty of tasty cheese! Don't do it for yourself. Do it for FREEDOM!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Let's "Whip" the Terrorists!

Remember, there are no days off in war! We have to STAND TALL with Our Troops every single day! Since today is Monday, and it's time to go back to work, hit your nearest Starbucks or other coffee business on the way to the office today and grab a big Frappuccino or similar blended coffee product. And when the person behind the counter asks if you want whipped cream, remember: The terrorists don't want us to feel happy or have any pleasure! So I say tell them to put some EXTRA whipped cream on your coffee drink! Take that, Osama!

Extra whipped cream: Do it for Our Troops!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Standing for Our Troops

When you find yourself waiting in lines, today -- at the supermarket, for example, or waiting for a cup of coffee -- don't just stand with your weight evenly distributed on both feet! Shift your weight back and forth between each foot, and think about Our Troops while you do it!

Keep it up! With this kind of action, we'll all destroy the terrorists together!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Osama vs. You and Me:

Game on!

A lot of heroes have come up with great ideas for supporting Our Troops in the war on the Islamoterrorevilfascists! Michelle Malkin showed us how we could be right there arm-in-arm with Our Troops as they fight for their lives in Iraq: Crochet some hats! What's more, the Young Republican National Federation, Sean Hannity, and the courageous bloggers of Pajamas Media are putting ink on their index fingers and brazenly walking the streets of Mission Viejo and Sacramento and other terrorists havens, openly supporting Our Troops and the brave Iraqi people! Still more patriots have made the sacrifice of not talking for two whole minutes so our troops don't "loose" the war! Still more America-loving heroes are taking the huge step of holding up signs -- right in Ohio and Missouri, where the terrorists are lurking! -- to say that they support Our Troops!

I am just plain inspired by these displays of moral and physical courage in the face of the Islamoterrorevilfascist plan to implement a global caliphate and rule the whole world with an iron fist by hiding bombs on the roadside in Iraq until the whole world falls under their domination! And I won't just sit here any longer -- I vow that, from this day forward, I will do at least one thing every single day that fights the Islamoterrorevilfascists as effectively and courageously as the other efforts I've noted here! Won't you join me?

Here's the plan: Every morning, I'll post one more way for you to STAND UP to the Islamoterrorevilbabyraperfascists! Now you don't just have to crochet hats and put ink on your finger! Now there will be a NEW way, EVERY DAY, to fight terrorism and stand arm-in-arm with our troops! And I promise that each new activity will be every bit as important as holding up signs and crocheting hats!

Ready? Okay, terrorists, look out, 'cause we're getting started!

Today: Brush your teeth from left to right! If the Islamoterrorevilpoohead fascists know that we're ALL brushing teeth against them, they will be afraid and will not be able to hurt Our Troops!

The sacrifice will be tough, sure. But Our Troops deserve it!