Turn Off the "Light" of Terror!

Michelle Malkin passes on some INCREDIBLE news! Some Muslim ladies have been CAUGHT by police near an airport...with a flashlight!!!

I was stunned when I read this news, and had to catch my breath. I watched television for a while and drank a tallboy, and am now OK. It gets worse, though, because Michelle tells us about the other Muslim implements of Terror: "The women had digital camera memory cards, binoculars, a flashlight and several lighters on them."

Digital camera memory cards! This is a very unusual item, and I think it is Very Important that they had these!

Awaken, John Doe! Arise from your slumber! The Muslims are purchasing digital camera components!

Why would anyone in this day and age have storage implements for digital photos except to ATTACK AMERICA?!?!

Looks like Team John Doe has some work to do! Together, we must discover where Global Islam is securing its cigarette lighters and flashlights and digital memory cards. Once we isolate the source, we can SHUT IT DOWN! And then NO MORE flashlights for Islam!!!

Thank you for leading the way, Michelle! Remember, everyone: It is only by CONSTANT PANIC that we SHOW OUR STRENGTH!

LATER EMAIL:

Michelle,

Good catch for John Doe, leading police to some Muslims with a flashlight and some cigarette lighters. I'm still worried, though, because what if they were just using the flashlight and cigarette lighters to get us used to seeing Muslims with common household implements? And then, once we're used to it, they just get their hands on more and more stuff like that: pencil sharpeners and lint removers and clothespins and you name it! And it's already too late, because we're like the frog in the pot of boiling water, and we don't even notice anymore! And then, BAM!, global caliphate!

Keep up the good work. It's a tough job to fill Winston Churchill's shoes, but Western Civilization must be saved.

-chris

Spit Out the Terror!

This very important video will help you Defeat the Terrorists by spitting out your M+Ms and putting some Woolite in the trash can. Osama will not like it if we put our Woolite in the trash can!

As a bonus, the acting is AMAZING!!!

Type Quick, So You Can Beat the Rapture!

One of the big problems with being part of the Hat-Knitting Community, blogging for the survival of Western Civilization, is that demons may suddenly show up and try to tell you to not get ready for Jesus to come back. It's a problem we all confront. And all I can say is, I know! I do three things while I blog for Western Civilization:

1.) Hit "save" a lot, in case Jesus suddenly shows up mid-post!

2. Type real fast, and keep one eye on a nearby heathen, in case he suddenly vanishes, which is a Very Telling Sign!

3. Put duct tape over your ears so the demons can't say things into them!

And of course, always make sure that there's no sharia law in your restaurant before you even order appetizers! Imagine if suddenly Jesus showed up, right there in the booth, and you had to explain to him why you were eating a big plate of nachos that have a jihad on them!

I do sometimes wish, though, that I had a big brother who could explain all of this stuff to me.

John Doe Reports from the Field

Thank God for Michelle Malkin, whose John Doe Manifesto kept me alert this weekend in a dangerous encounter with some Islamoterrorfascists! Here's the whole story:

So I was down on La Cienega, stopping in at the McDonald's for some nourishment so I would have the strength to defend Western Civilization on my blog, when I suddenly looked across the street. And I've been on this part of La Cienega before, but had never really been alert to my duties as a cultural warrior before I read Michelle's manifesto. But this time, I looked across the street, and for the first time I noticed something that made my blood curdle! There was a big building on the other side of the street with a sign on top. And the sign said:

Bikram College.

And right there, I went on Full Alert, because right here in Los Angeles was a sign written in Muslim, instead of English! It got my attention fast!

And it got worse from there! I started scanning for threats, John Doe-style, like I have seen on the TV! And right away I noticed that there were a bunch of people walking around in front of the Muslim college carrying rolled up mats. Once I saw the prayer mats, then BAM!, I knew -- I was staring straight down the barrel of a real-life MADRASSA!!! Right here in AMERICA!!!

When I saw how many of them were gathered around, I knew in my heart that they were preparing for a Mission! And that could only mean one thing: They were about to put the sharia law onto our restaurants!!!

I touched my John Doe button for strength. What would Michelle do? I took a deep breath and looked around. Fortunately, right at that moment, I saw a police car coming down the street. I stepped out to the edge of the curb, trying to play it real cool so the Muslims wouldn't come over and put a jihad onto me, and the policemen pulled over and stopped. They rolled down their window to talk to me.

"What's up?" a policeman asked.

"Over there," I said, gesturing with my chin. "It's on! The Muslims are gathering to put the sharia law onto our restaurants! Let's roll!"

Well, they were blown away! You could see how amazed they were, because they were silent for a long time, and they turned to look at each other, real meaningful-like! Finally, one of the policemen asked who I was, and I told him, real proud, "I am John Doe!"

And they were real silent again -- trying to deal with the magnitude of it all! -- before one of the policemen looked at me, real solemn, and said, "We'll take care of it!"

And then they drove away, I assume to go assemble a SWAT Team.

I would really hate to be those Muslims, right now! Take THAT, Islamoterrorshariabrownpeoplefascists! You can't get us here in America, because John Doe is ON THE JOB!

Score a BIG VICTORY for Michelle and her followers!

be careful not to stain the pages with cheetos

An important book for members of the troop-hat-crocheting Real American community. Go GET those brown people, Madge! You can do it from your living room!

It's Working!

Ever since I signed on to the John Doe Manifesto, I have been able to stop the terrorists COLD by being ALERT AT ALL TIMES. The most useful part has been the statement about how we won't allow sharia law in our restaurants, although I originally misread the manifesto to say that we wouldn't allow Shakira law in our restaurants, which I would be totally fine with, on account of how she's got junk in the trunk for reals. I mean, who would be against Shakira going to some restaurants?

Where was I?

Oh, right! No sharia law in our restaurants!

So, okay, me and Jonah Goldberg were sitting in the Claim Jumper today, having some appetizers -- Jonah ordered six kinds -- when a Muslim ran in and tried to put a jihad on our stuffed potato skins!!!

And we were all, like, "I'm John Doe -- don't make me call a busboy over to the table to harsh on you!"

And the Muslim? He did not put anymore sharia law onto our appetizers. Yay, John Doe Manifesto!!! You have given me the strength to defend my stuffed potato skins from sharia law!!!

the 16-ounce porterhouse of freedom

The blogosphere is echoing a powerful new post from Michelle Malkin, who gives us a hard-edged declaration of principles to throw in the faces of the Islamoterrorshariabrownpeoplefascists! Michelle bravely invites us all to STAND UP for civilization with some powerful statements:

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

So take that, Islamobrownpeopleterrorists! WE WILL NOT SUBMIT TO SHARIA LAW IN OUR RESTAURANTS!!! If my extra order of onion rings comes to my table cloaked in a burqa, I WILL SAY ANGRY THINGS TO THE WAITRESS!!! I will send Islamofascist fried cheese logs BACK TO THE KITCHEN TO BE FREEDOMED UP!!!

We all MUST stop the rapid transition to sharia law in our restaurants, or soon we will have NO BAKED HAM on our all-you-can-eat buffets!

So come on, everyone! How much is civilization worth to you? What will you do to STAND UP FOR FREEDOM?

I am on my way to Shoney's right now, after which I may stop by the Waffle House for some dessert -- FOR AMERICA!!!