be careful not to stain the pages with cheetos

An important book for members of the troop-hat-crocheting Real American community. Go GET those brown people, Madge! You can do it from your living room!

It's Working!

Ever since I signed on to the John Doe Manifesto, I have been able to stop the terrorists COLD by being ALERT AT ALL TIMES. The most useful part has been the statement about how we won't allow sharia law in our restaurants, although I originally misread the manifesto to say that we wouldn't allow Shakira law in our restaurants, which I would be totally fine with, on account of how she's got junk in the trunk for reals. I mean, who would be against Shakira going to some restaurants?

Where was I?

Oh, right! No sharia law in our restaurants!

So, okay, me and Jonah Goldberg were sitting in the Claim Jumper today, having some appetizers -- Jonah ordered six kinds -- when a Muslim ran in and tried to put a jihad on our stuffed potato skins!!!

And we were all, like, "I'm John Doe -- don't make me call a busboy over to the table to harsh on you!"

And the Muslim? He did not put anymore sharia law onto our appetizers. Yay, John Doe Manifesto!!! You have given me the strength to defend my stuffed potato skins from sharia law!!!

the 16-ounce porterhouse of freedom

The blogosphere is echoing a powerful new post from Michelle Malkin, who gives us a hard-edged declaration of principles to throw in the faces of the Islamoterrorshariabrownpeoplefascists! Michelle bravely invites us all to STAND UP for civilization with some powerful statements:

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

So take that, Islamobrownpeopleterrorists! WE WILL NOT SUBMIT TO SHARIA LAW IN OUR RESTAURANTS!!! If my extra order of onion rings comes to my table cloaked in a burqa, I WILL SAY ANGRY THINGS TO THE WAITRESS!!! I will send Islamofascist fried cheese logs BACK TO THE KITCHEN TO BE FREEDOMED UP!!!

We all MUST stop the rapid transition to sharia law in our restaurants, or soon we will have NO BAKED HAM on our all-you-can-eat buffets!

So come on, everyone! How much is civilization worth to you? What will you do to STAND UP FOR FREEDOM?

I am on my way to Shoney's right now, after which I may stop by the Waffle House for some dessert -- FOR AMERICA!!!